from "Ga$Holez:The Mind/Motor Connection"(tm) by Edward James Balboa
conntent protected 2011 Stallion Entertainment
part 3
Breaking Wind
Time for some trailer-park trivia.
As far as elite stock car drivers go, who’s the first person that pops in your head when I say Junior?
Dale Earnhardt Junior? Good job, spin again.
OK, round two. Name a famous NASCAR champion named _________ Johnson?
Survey says: Ding! Jimmie Johnson?
Number one answer.
Between their down-home demeanors and flame-retardant hairdays, these two NASCARporations have enough fame, fortune and supermodel tail for a hundred Joe six-packs. But on raceday these guys become cerebral steel traps, training their minds to straddle speed and style with safe and sane. Top-tier car bombers know they're racing for a spot in victory lane AND the carpool lane, and that level of put-togetherness takes hellamore grey matter than ballzowt boogedy-boogedy.In high-stakes motorsports, even the slightest distraction can turn a Magic Johnson into a Junior SayOww.
You would think these Natural Born Speeders are born with this mental toughness. But in one particular discipline, Junior and Johnson got their lead feet wet at the feet of an oldschool NASCARdigan, an Obi-wan on asphalt whose championship resume laps Junior and Johnson put together.
And for the win, that driver is???
BAAAWK, time's up. Junior Johnson? Sorry, you lose.You would think these Natural Born Speeders are born with this mental toughness. But in one particular discipline, Junior and Johnson got their lead feet wet at the feet of an oldschool NASCARdigan, an Obi-wan on asphalt whose championship resume laps Junior and Johnson put together.
And for the win, that driver is???
You didn't phrase your answer in the form of a question.
We have some lovely parting gifts for you.
Junior Johnson is one of the pioneers of stock car racing, a true founding father of the million-dollar-an-hour speed trap we now know as NASCAR. Born and raised in prohibition era North Carolina, Johnson spent his formative years running moonshine, and as a junior Junior honed his driving skills the same way O.J. Simpson did.By running from the cops. Faster, though. And in cars much cooler than a POS Bronco. Big Johnson's moon-shiny rides got the full Monty, stuffed with homebrewed underhood upgrades for stealth and speed. For years his dick in the dirt road dominance gave law enforcement Barney Fifemares, his driving abilities leaving po-po in the poo-poo like they were kitty litter.
When Junior transferred that bootlegging brashness to the racetrack in the 50’s, he quickly became a superstar, and even today his running lights shine brightly across every aspect of the motorsports industry. It probably wasn't his primary motivator, but lotsa stuff he did to make his heaters hurl horsepower had the added benefit of fuel system frugality, including his handiest hand-me-down to date, now known as DRAFTING.
Drafting's aerodymagical. It's a blow-and-suck tailgating trick that takes advantage of the car in front of you to blow back blowback, creating a kind of air-pocket diamond lane of least resistance. Aero-statle's first genuine draft was at the 1960 Daytona, where as a huge underdog rode his whirlwind-on-demand to a historic come from behind win. Airmazing, since his wheels without the weather were vastly inferior, winding 30mph slower than his contemporaries during time trials.
Most NASCAR draft analysts agree that Junior's mint of a discovery was a breath of fresh airflow for auto racing, a motormouth-to-mouth for a sport once left for dead. I find it ironic that Junior Sr. picks TODAY'S Junior/Johnson #1 overall as drafting diaper dandies, their same nameness now forever
conjoinedlikeaSiamese3-way between master and student/student.
When Junior transferred that bootlegging brashness to the racetrack in the 50’s, he quickly became a superstar, and even today his running lights shine brightly across every aspect of the motorsports industry. It probably wasn't his primary motivator, but lotsa stuff he did to make his heaters hurl horsepower had the added benefit of fuel system frugality, including his handiest hand-me-down to date, now known as DRAFTING.
Drafting's aerodymagical. It's a blow-and-suck tailgating trick that takes advantage of the car in front of you to blow back blowback, creating a kind of air-pocket diamond lane of least resistance. Aero-statle's first genuine draft was at the 1960 Daytona, where as a huge underdog rode his whirlwind-on-demand to a historic come from behind win. Airmazing, since his wheels without the weather were vastly inferior, winding 30mph slower than his contemporaries during time trials.
conjoinedlikeaSiamese3-way between master and student/student.
Not just ironic. Alanis Morisette ironic. Who woulda thought it figured.
There's buttloads more online about Junior Johnson, with heaps of HTML to peruse at your leisure. After a quick Yahoo! or two I got hundreds of links to his racing career and even more from his early corn-squeezin' days as a kid. In fact, a reliable source told me if you're feeling lucky, Googling young Junior Johnsons can somtimes turn up a stash of forbidden, hard-to-find boyhood photos.
Funny, these pics don't look anything like Junior. I'll keep looking and get back to ya.
After all, if you can’t trust a Catholic priest, who can you trust? Funny, these pics don't look anything like Junior. I'll keep looking and get back to ya.
from "Ga$Holez:The Mind/Motor Connection" (tm)by Edward James Balboa
content protected 2011 Stallion Entertainment
content protected 2011 Stallion Entertainment
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